The One With..

....Malaysia Airlines.

Yes kawan-kawan semua. Akak (tetibe akak khen?)..saya dengan ini mengumumkan yang saya akan balik beraya di Baling, kat Kedah sana nun.

Setelah puas surveyed segala airlines, I've decided to purchase MAS ticket yang harganya boleh membuatkan saya resign kerja untuk menjadi porn star. Mahal nak mamps. Kalau nak murah, kena beli lepas raya. Kau gilo?

Dah mahal tu satu, berani dia nak charge lebih if you want to choose your seat? For bloody £12 per seat. Cilako kau MAS. Sejak bila buat kau buat perangai firaun ala-ala airasiyal ni?

But then again, harga flight-flight Pak Arab pun tidak la murah mana. Murah sedikit je. So, baik naik MAS. Redha je la bayar lebih sikit. At least direct. Tak payah nak transit bagai. Sempat la nak shopping raya kat KL.

So, sapa yang ada dekat-dekat Baling tu, jemput-jemput la mai rumah time raya. Ish puasa pun belum lagi dah sibuk pasal raya!!

....Silent Reader

I don't know how many silent reader I have. But I am pretty sure it is not a bad thing. I myself pun sometime jadi silent reader kat blog-blog orang jugak. Kadang-kadang I tinggal la komen if I want to. Otherwise I just stalking them virtually.

I recently found out that my friend from matriks, si Aishah taukeh ayam jugak telah silent reading my blog. Ish diam diam ye? Nasib baik aku tak pernah mengumpat kau kat sini.

Tak kisah la silent reader ke noisy reader ke, since blog ni memang public, maka suka hati you lah. Walaupun konsepnya my life my story and I don't give a fuck what you think, but I appreciate all the comments, walaupun tak semuanya komen yang baik. Sikit pun tak menjadi kudis. You nak doakan I kena AIDS? Tu masalah you. If Allah had chosen me to die with AIDS, I redha je. Tu semua bukannya di tangan I. At least it's better dari mati katak, mati sia-sia dan tak sempat bertaubat. I'm sure you yakin sangat yang you akan masuk syurga terus.

It is your right to comment, it is my right jugak la to delete it kan? If I think it is not suitable for me and for my readers. After all, it is my blog.

Anyway, anomaly / detail scan tu adalah transabdominal scan, means scan through your tummy. Takde orang yang gila nak buat anomaly scan through vagina for half an hour ye Aishah hoi!!

....The Old iPhone.

Ingat tak lagi cerita iPhone I yang jatuh ke dalam lubang jamban yang kejam tu?

So, this friend of mine told me I might revived my phone back to life by using the rice (the uncooked one) and put it in the air-tight container. I pun try kambus my phone guna beras basmati yang dah expired tu (ish dok simpan buat apa tak tau?) dalam bekas tupperware.

After few days, I try to charge the phone and switch it on...IT WORKS!!! Akhirnya dapat balik all the data in the phone. So, sapa-sapa yang phone jatuh dalam jamban tu, cuba la try petua ni.

Now that I have to phone, terpaksa la I relakan my phone menjadi milik Pakcik #1 for a while. Nanti dia dapat phone baru, aku bagi kat hang ye dik?

....Sharing Gruesome Photo.

Ni tak tahu la nak bagi insaf ke hapa, tapi boleh tak jangan dok sharing all the gruesome picture mangsa-mangsa yang menjadi ayam penyet oleh lori segala kat FB?

I can accept some images like kaki reput bermaggot akibat gangrene from diabetic patient. Itu pun kena mintak izin patient before ambik gambar. At least ada la jugak education value dia. Yang mati kena panas petir pun kau nak share jugak ke?

Imagine if orang lain did the same bila you mati nanti? Apa you rasa? Ketahuilah yang sharing this kind of photo is NOT caring at all!! If you're care, baik kau pergi tolong orang yang eksiden tu, bukannya ambik gambar dia nyah hey!

That's all for now as I am at the moment terkejar-kejar nak gi airport. Sempat lagi update blog ni. I'm off to Dublin people. Nak melawat ketua pondan jajahan UCD. Speak soon!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Koleksi Cerita Pendek

1. I Feel Wicked

Hadirin dan hadirat sekalian, buat kesekian kalinya saya telah pergi ke Apollo Theatre untuk menonton teater musical Wicked (padahal baru 2 kali). For those who don't know, this is the story direka kononnya the untold story of The Wizards of Oz. According to cerita The Wizards of Oz, they have portrayed Wicked Witch of the West, Elphaba as the bad and evil witch. Tapi dalam cerita Wicked ni pulak lain ceritanya. Dia kata yang the wizard of Oz tu la yang talam 14 muka katanya.

Apollo Victoria Theatre (takdak kaitan dengan kapal angkasa Apollo).

The Stage

I always want to watch this musical after it was made famous by one of the episode in Ugly Betty. One of the song pulak, Defying Gravity dipopularkan dalam Glee. But I've known the song long before it was made popular by the Glee kids.

Well what can I say. Lakonan diorang memang mantap habis, from watak utama sampai la ke watak sampingan. Vocal pun mantap. Sesambil dok berjoget, boleh lagi nyanyi soprano tanpa pancit. The lines were funny. The props tu jangan cakap la. If you think that P. Ramlee The Musical dengan PGL The Musical tu kira mantap habis, kalau nak dibandingkan dengan Wicked ni, ibarat membandingkan buah longan dengan buah anggur gred A.

The Curtain Call

I seriously don't mind to watch it again!!

So, sapa-sapa yang mai buat rombongan Cik Kiah ke London, jangan lupa luangkan masa untuk tengok musical theatre kat London. Tak kisah la cerita apa, but I strongly recommend Mamma Mia, Wicked, Priscilla (tapi dah tayangan dah tamat!) and Billy Elliot. Kalau nak ajak I tengok sekali pun tak pa (dengan muka tak malunya)!

2. More Shoes

Well, that is not a surprise for those who knew my sinful obsession (beside makan dan buat ketupat). Since officially masuk summer on 21st June, kedai-kedai kat serata London ni bukan main lagi meriah membuat sale sana sini sehingga juling biji mata aku melihatnya. Semua kedai 50%-60%, termasuk kedai Burberry, Ted Baker, Hilfiger, Hugo Boss...owh stress akak dek non!!!

Hish, ni la akibatnya kalau pergi Westfield White City. Initial plan kononnya nak buat cardio sambil berwindow shopping. Kononlah iman tu kuat kan? Tapi masa on the way nak pi underground station tu, nampak banyak je orang bawak shopping bag Salvatore Ferragamo. Siap sampai ada yang bawak 3-4 kotak kasut. Eh ada sale ke? Terus buat U-turn balik masuk mall. Jeng jeng jeng, terus melekat. All the shoes (except yang new arrival) ada discount 50%. I always have a soft spot for Salvatore Ferragamo shoes sebab I love their signature gancio bit and their design. Selesa pun selesa. Tapi bila tengok harga kasut, boleh diam sekejap. Most of them range from GBP300-400. So kalau nak beli pun setahun sekali je la kot?

Tapi, bila dah ada discount macam ni harus la ambik peluang kan? So I pun rembat la sepasang sepatu merah menyala that will stop the traffic.

TADAAAAAA!!!!

Merah Mak Ngah kannnnnnn?? Sesuai untuk sambutan Tahun Baru Cina!

Sebenarnya, tempting nak rembat 2 pasang. But as I said on my previous post, my shoes wardrobe tu macam dah nak meletop (wallet pun nak meletop jugak), terpaksa kutahan sahaja kehendak batinkiewwww iniewwwww!

3. Warga Emas Pervert

Seperti biasa time weekend, I did my usual jogging around Ealing borough yang penuh dengan gagak dan padiyappa ni. Dah lama rasanya tak buat full 10km. Most of the weekend I'll stop at 6-7km. Last weekend I managed to do more than 10km. The last lap, I lari masuk la to Walpole Park yang dekat rumah I ni. I stopped kat tepi fountain (not far from the public toilet) and did after run stretching.

Korang jangan tak tahu, aku ni kalau pergi jogging memang suka pakai seksi-meksi. Konon la seksi. Padahal seksa mata yang melihat. It will poking your eyes till bleed ok. Well, aku ni suka pakai tight seketat-ketat alam sampai terbonjol sana sini macam perempuan dot dot dot. Bukan apa uols, senang nak lari. Tahu je la kami laki-laki ni perlukan support yang baik supaya buah terung kami tu in place (mula dah melucah!) ketika melakukan aktiviti lasak. Running vest pulak memang jenis yang body hugging supaya ia dapat menyerap peluh dan jugak untuk protect haba badan bila suhu tiba-tiba turun. Tahu je la weather kat sini. Nama je summer. Bila nak sejuk tu, suka hati je nak sejuk.

So, berbalik kepada stretching. Masa I tengah melentik-lentik buat stretching tu, ada la dua ekor orang tua (yang rumah kata berambus, kubur kata mai sini) kat kiri dan kanan ni asyik dok perati je aku yang tengah tertonggek-tonggek buat stretching ni. Bukannya I ni jenis perasan uols. Ketahuilah yang I ni pemaliew orangnya (sila muntah). Tapi memang obvious pun. Tengok macam nak telan I. Apehal kau grandpa??

I felt uncomfortable, so I decided untuk blah la kan. Sebelum I blah tu, I masuk la dalam toilet dengan niat nak betulkan parking. Tahu je la lepas buat stretching bagai kan? Sebelum orang cerca bahagian sulit I yang tak seberapa ni, baik la I betulkan apa yang patut ye tak?

Masa I masuk dalam toilet tu, one of the orang tua ni ikut I uols. Mula-mula I ingat dia memang masuk nak kencing ke hapa tu lantak dia le. After I've done with benda yang I nak buat, I pun pi basuh tangan kat sinki. I toleh belakang, he was standing few steps behind me, holding his limp dick out through his fly kat I. Cis kau orang tua!! What were you thinking?? I just walk out, pretend not looking and never turn back!!

Apparently, someone told me that the place is one of the spot for gay (especially yang tua gayut) mencari mangsa untuk melampiaskan nafsu. Patut la ramai pakcik-pakcik tua melepak disekitar situ. So Seed, if you are in London next time, maybe I should bring you to this place eh?

Pro Choice or Pro Life?

On the way balik from jogging kat nearby park, I have to walk pass by Marie Stopes International (MSI). I saw one guy yang teguh berdiri dalam cuaca yang sekejap hujan sekejap panas macam setan ni sambil menyebarkan risalah kepada pasangan-pasangan yang masuk ke MSI. MSI ni adalah tempat membuang anak i.e tempat menggugur anak, well legally speaking lah. Morally?? Hmmm that is a big question mark sebab isu ni sangat kontroversi. 

In UK ni, it is legal to do abortion up to the 24th week of pregnancy (except in Northern Ireland which is illegal). However, if there is a substantial risk to the woman's life or if there are fetal abnormalities there is no time limit. To comply with the 1967 Abortion Act, two doctors must give their consent, stating that to continue with the pregnancy would present a risk to the physical or mental health of the woman or her existing children.

It is also states that the doctor can refuse to certify a woman for abortion if they have moral objection towards the abortion, but they have to refer the woman to the doctor who can.

Dalam Islam pun dibolehkan, tapi ada syarat-syarat. Terdapat banyak percanggahan pendapat dalam hal ni. Ada kata boleh jika sebelum 40 hari. Ada yang kata boleh sebelum 4 bulan. So aku pun tak berapa pasti. Untuk bacaan lanjut, boleh baca kat SINI.

Where is my stand on this matter?

I am actually a pro life. Tapi not totally. Ha, macam mana tu??

I have few exception when it comes to abortion:

1. If the woman was raped and termengandung akibat perbuatan si cilako tu and it is less than 12 weeks.
2. If the baby have a lethal abnormality or abnormality that going to deter the quality life.
3. If it going to jeopardise the mother's health.

Aku peduli hapa if you're not ready or you're still young and what not. If you're so pro choice la kan, why did you choose to get pregnant in the first place?? Because since it is your choice kan, you can choose to wear condom, you can choose to use contraceptive and in fact, you can choose not to have sex at all. I hate it when people say that accident does happen sometime. Of course it does, if you are not being careful. Just because you accidentally get pregnant, it doesn't mean it is right to kill unborn (and innocent) soul!

I've seen few (not much, tapi boleh dijadikan iktibar) people yang buat abortion ni atas dasar not ready (walaupun sah berkahwin ok!), when they are ready nak mengandung, kandungan pulak yang tak menjadi. Bukan tak menjadi sebab keguguran, tapi langsung tak mengandung. Ada setengah orang pulak langsung tak boleh mengandung. Ketahuilah yang abortion ni pun ada side effectnya, including mati.

I heard this interesting story from my colleague. A woman in US got pregnant, tapi the jantan tak guna yang telah menyemai benih kat batas-batas uterus perempuan ni refused to be involve with the pregnancy. Konsepnya, kau yakin ke yang aku ni bapaknya?? It could be anyone else katanya! Standard la laki kan?? Matilah carut kaum sendiri. So this poor woman was so heartbroken that she decided to commit suicide. Ish tak pasti la how did she commit suicide. Kalau tak silap I telan benda-benda mengarut like clorox or racun tikus la kot. It turn out, the paramedic managed to revive her but the unborn fetus died. So, this woman telah didakwa kat mahkamah atas tuduhan membunuh her unborn child.

How ironic is that?

For a country yang legally allowed abortion, I found it odd. Yang paling kesian perempuan tu lah. Dah la kecewa, cuba mati tapi tak mati. Now, kena tuduh membunuh pulak. Kesian. Tak pasal-pasal. Tak cukup dengan segala masalah yang ada, tambah lagi satu masalah baru.

Whatever it is, you cannot just simply abort a perfectly healthy baby. Sebabnya baby tu tak ada salah apa-apa. You yang buat maksiat berkongketan sana-sini, why the baby have to pay the price. Yes, I do agree that it is your life and it is your choice. Kau nak melingkup menenun songket dengan mat-mat gagak aprika sampai 3rd degree tear (bak kata Kak Lurpak) or sampai terprolapse your vagina, tu masalah kau. It is your call. It is your choice, as long as it did not involve any living creature in your decision making. For me, abortion because you're not ready (and so on) is simply a murder!! And it did not make you any better dari those yang buang bayi tu!!

Sekian.

Randomness #6

1. Why lah at the time weather yang macam celaka ni, driver bas seantero London decided untuk strike. Menyampah betul. I don't know lah kenapa puak-puak transport for London ni kan always hold the city to ransom dengan buat strike-strike yang langsung tak membawa faedah kepada manusia sejagat. Diorang je la yang kerja lebih masa. Diorang je la yang kononnya underpaid. Diorang je la yang berhadapan dengan abusive passangers. Pendek kata, kerja diorang tu la yang paling susah di dunia. Habis tu yang kerja jadi doctor, cikgu, social worker, police segala ni?? Diorang tak underpaid ke? Diorang tak overwork ke? Diorang tak kena berhadapan dengan abusive people ke? At current economy climate, aren't we suppose to be lucky that we still have a job that pay the bills and bring the food on the table? Kalau asyik dok strike 24 jam, macam mana la nak improve economy growth setan hoi? Bangang kuasa dua!

2. The other day masa I naik underground pergi center London, I ada nampak sorang budak perempuan set-set gagak kelabu asap ni yang masuk dalam tube with her hair masih ada roller. Ala menatang yang orang perempuan dok gulung kat rambut sebelum tidur tu, with the hope bila bangun the next day akan menghasilkan rambut ombak manja, instead of rambut macam hantu jeruk purut. Aku pun tak tahu la apa motifnya dia buat rambutnya sebegitu rupa. Lagipun tahu je la rambut set set gagak ni semua jenis yang berantakan belaka. Dressing tu jangan cakap la. Typical CHAV. Walaupun begitu, I am impress with her skill to put on false eyelashes on the wobbly train.

3. Speaking of this chav fashion sense kan (which more like no fashion sense at all), I wonder la what were they thinking. Rumah diorang takde cermin ke? Aku ni siap twirl depan cermin bagai sebelum keluar rumah!! Aku ni tidak la expert sangat bab-bab fashion and I myself bukan la jenis yang pandai bergaya macam Ratu Kuala Terengganu yang bakal menjadi pilot tu, but you do know what is appropriate and what not. It is a common sense. Tidak ke jantan-jantan ni tahu that wearing the trousers with half of their bontot terkeluar adalah sangat buruk?? Kalau spender jenis branded tu takpe la jugak. Ni dah la cap ayam yang tah hapa-hapa, warna kelabu asap pulak tu. JIJIK!! Undergarment should remain under the garment!! Yang perempuan pulak jenis yang suka pakai skin tight as seluar. Baik yang kaki kurus or kaki bunting gajah. Sampai nak meletop aku tengok menatang tu. Do they know that those belong under the dress? Camel toe is the last thing that I want to see!

4. A Pakistani couple came to their antenatal appointment one day. The wife can't speak a bloody word of English, while the husband was ok. So I asked the husband to give me the antenatal book. The husband said that her wife forgot to bring it because she is so stupid. Huh? Mentang-mentang la bini dia tak paham kan, selamba je panggil perempuan tu bodoh. I told him, it is not very nice to call your wife stupid. He said that she is really stupid because this is not the first time she forgot stuff. Kalau ikutkan mulut ku yang tak dak insurance ni, mau je aku nak cakap, dalam-dalam dok kata bodoh tu, sempat jugak la kau berprojek tepuk bintang dengan bini kau kan? Aku pun cakap la, if she always forgot stuffs, it is your job to remind her...korang kan laki bini? Ape daaaaaa. Harap kan muka je hensem!! Eh!

5. So, apparently Abe Yating yang dikasihi added tarian toron tah hapa hapa tu as Malaysia Heritage gedebuk gedebak. I am not saying that si Yating ni salah. He does have a point there and in fact there are orang Mandailing di Malaysia. But bear in mind that Mandailing ni adalah pecahan dari suku kaum Batak yang beragama Islam ye. So I am not sure lah kalau diorang still nak menari benda yang tak berfaedah ni after terima pengaruh Islam. Apapun, aku tak faham why la Indonesial tu have to overreacted over this issue. Budaya tu adalah hak milik bangsa, bukan hak milik negara. Kalau ia hak milik negara, don't you think negara China dan India patut lebih sentap melihat betapa banyaknya budaya dari negara diorang diamalkan oleh rakyat Malaysia yang berbangsa India dan China? Can't these people see yang kita semua ni actually came from the same descendent? Sedangkan bahasa yang dituturkan pun kedengaran sama bukan? Let alone the culture. It is funny to see some uneducated Indonesian condemned Malaysia on twitter. Bukan setakat hal tor tor ni je. Hal-hal yang takde kaitan pun kena sekali, for example ada yang claimed that ekonomi Indonesia tu lebih bagus dari Malaysia. I wish someone can explain kenapa begitu banyak pendatang haram dan pendatang halal kat Malaysia since they claimed their economy are better? 

6. Since I mentioned twitter, saya dah ada twitter. Kalau pandai, cari la sampai dapat!!! Muahaha!

Sekian.

Welcome to the Family

Kau ado??

If you think that mostly people today can't live without their phone, you have to include me in the list. Baru tak boleh guna phone for few hours, dah macam Watie Elite kematian anak (hamboih tak sayang mulut sungguh!!). Tak tenteram duduk dibuatnya!!

Less than 24 hours, I have made a drastic decision untuk pergi ke kedai O2 yang berdekatan dan angkat telefon baru. Good thing is my contract dah nak tamat, and actually I can upgrade my phone 3 months earlier seperti yang digembar-gemburkan dalam email yang dihantar oleh puak-puak O2 kepada I. I did some research on some website just to compare the tariff among the telco providers. Some are lot cheaper but I hate all the fuss to change the provider. Lagipun, kalau nak tukar provider, I have to wait untul my contract tamat on 14th July. Memang aku nak tunggu lama tu kan?? How to bergalok kat Dublin next week if I did not have a phone?? So, I decided to stick with O2. Mana tau, berkat setiaku di sini bersama O2 akan membuahkan hasil berupa ipad free ke? 

The initial offer from O2 memang la murah berbanding dengan yang I bayar previously. Last time, I ambik contract yang mahal sebab nakkan free iphone. This time I get an offer for GBP32 per month with unlimited calls, text and 1GB data allowance. Tetapi, I have to pay upfront GBP49.99 for the iphone4S. I cakap la kat abang (or adik) O2 tu, I ni kan pelanggan totap dengan O2 ni ha, tak boleh ke bagi free je iphone ni? Kemut kan I? Dia kata tak boleh, tapi dia kata aku dapat free gifts like segala menatang screen protector and what not. I told him that aku ni tak kelapaq segala mala free gift, I just want the phone. I cakap kat dia, kalau provider lain siap bagi free phone lagi ok but I decided to stick with O2 because I like O2 (ayat propah...sebenarnya O2 ni la yang paling mahal among the telco provider). I siap ugut ni nak tukar provider. You have to know that depa-depa yang kerja kat sini dapat commission per customer ok. So, there is no such thing like satu pergi sepuluh mari. Especially when the kedai kat area-area West Ealing yang ramai gagak dan som som. Diorang mana mampu pakai telefon mahal-mahal ni (matilahhhhhh!).

So, in the end, dia bagi jugak phone tu free. YAY!! Not just that, as NHS staff yang berwibawa dan berdisiplin, I get cashback too. Walaupun tak banyak, at least I tak payah bayar my bill for the next 3 months. Disamping tu, sempat I goda abang (or adik) ni bagi armband untuk iphone dan casing. As a precaution, I also took an insurance for my phone. Total cost that I have to pay monthly still not match with what I've paid previously. So, I am quite satisfied. Kalau anda-anda di luar sana nak menyumpah agar phone ni jatuh longkang, jatuh dalam jamban, kena rampok dan macam-macam benda sial lain, sumpah la sampai terkeluar taik pun, in the end I can get a replacement for my phone for free. Kau ado??

To be fair, ada banyak lagi provider yang dirt cheap compare to O2. I chose O2 sebab convenient je. Ikut initial plan, lepas tamat contract with my old phone, I was thinking to switch guna prepaid je. Sebab guna prepaid lagi murah. With GBP10 or GBP15 per month, macam-macam boleh buat. Off course la the minutes and texts sangat limited (100 minutes and 500 texts), but the data allowance adalah unlimited. So, with all the whatapps and imessenger yang F.O.C, you could not ask for more lah kan?

See? Orang-orang kat sini pandai nak tarik pelanggan. I don't think Malaysian telco providers like Meksis, Doggy or Celakacom will give you such thing. The last time I check before I pindah ke UK ni, if you ambik iphone plan (masa tu iphone 1st generation yang 2G tu), nak register pun dah kena bayar. Lepas tu kena bayar full price for iphone. Mimpi la nak dapat free. The minutes and texts pun ada limit. If you exceeded the monthly limits, you have to pay extra bill per usage on the top of monthly commitment that you have to pay. So there was no surprise hanya mereka-mereka yang kerja as oil and gas engineer je can afford it. I'm not sure la about nowadays since macam dah ramai kawan-kawan yang guna iphone dan ipad bagai. Dah makin murah la kot?

Apa pun, I am so very happy sebab dapat kembali ke persada menjalang with my new, shiny and improved phone. While lot of my friends have a trouble to get SIRI to understand them (walaupun tak perlu), my SIRI work perfectly and it seem to understand me walaupun I am not a native English speaker. So, jangan la sakit hati ye if you can't get your SIRI to understand you hahaha (gelak puaka). And yes Jiji, this time I make sure I set up all the mak nenek cloud yang bangang tu.

Kepada yang suka sangat check-in kat foursquare, even masa tengah berak, rentikan la perbuatan yang tak memberi manfaat tu sebelum your phone jatuh dalam lubang jamban. Ish I cannot imagine la how you guys can still use the phone provided most jamban kat Malaysia tu jenis cangkung, unless you guna jamban KLCC la. Tak kebas ke tangan tu Zara hoi?? *pecuttttttttttttttt~

I Lap You, Mak Naga!!

Dengar sini semua penduduk Kampung Pening Lalat, adapun Mak Naga itu kadang-kadang perangainya macam cilako, but I never wish her ditimpa kecelakaan, let alone mampus kejung atau pun mati digangbang oleh gagak-gagak meroyan. Sebabnya? Mak Naga always standing up for her colleagues. She is also a very hardworking woman walaupun dah masuk 65 tahun. Sangat susah nak tengok dia cuti sakit. Aku yang jauh lebih muda ni (hey I'm still young ok!) lagi banyak sick leave dari dia.

Nak dijadikan cerita satu hari tu Mak Naga had a chest pain and breathing difficulty. So, one of my colleague bawak dia pergi ke A&E, and the next thing I know that she has been admitted to cheeseman ward. Don't ask me why nama ward tu cheeseman, sebab takde kaitan langsung dengan mana-mana cheese. Wad ni adalah untuk case-case sakit jantung. Mak Naga pulak ada history of ectopic heartbeat. 

When I went to see her yesterday, she was all right. Tapi kan, tak sempat aku nak duduk she keep on asking me all the working stuffs. I am like, oi kau tu kan sakit Cik Tipah hoi. She told me that she is all right and she need to get back to work as soon as possible. Tengok tu? I cakap la, berehat la until you get better. Tapi biasa la, warga emas memang mendengar kata kan?? 

Dalam dok sakit tu pun, sempat lagi ye dia datang buat lawatan tak rasmi to the department. Not to mention tonnes of email and memo pasal patient-patientnya yang kena reschedule under my list and so on. Tak cukup dengan itu, siap call tanya whether we can manage or not as if the department will be dysfunctional if she is not around. Annoying sungguh. Takut aku mengular ke?

Tapi disebabkan kesungguhan aku berkerja tanpa berbelah bagi, maka Mak Naga kata I can go off after lunch hour on Friday. Dengar tu Esah?? Penat tau membodek! That woman will be back to the office very soon. Bless her.

On the other hand, my iphone telah mati kelemasan dalam mangkuk tandas. Sungguh babi!! I not normally bawak handphone masuk tandas as it potentially mendapat jangkitan bakteria yang tak diigini. Ni kejadian kat rumah ok. Nak dijadikan cerita, I happened to put my iphone in my track-bottom's pocket. So since benda dah ada, aku pun guna la iphone tu untuk mengkodek-kodek apa yang patut sambil berak, sambil mencari bahan untuk melancarkan proses pembuangan yang maha azab neraka itu. Lepas dah selesai semua, I pun letak la iphone tu dalam poket seluar, flush toilet and berdiri dan sarungkan la balik seluar. Tiba-taiba, kelepek..kelepok...kabushhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Jatuh la iphone ku yang sucheee itu ke dalam mangkuk tandas yang kejam itu!!!

Honestly, I felt like crying. Sebabnya...sebabnya...I dah lama tak back-up iphone tu. So, segala lagu-lagu baru dan apps baru yang telah didownload akan hilang begitu saja termasuk. Tu belum masuk segala dates, appoinments, catatan-catatan dalam notes, hilang begitu saja seperti angin bayu membawa diriku. Siyal betul. Dah le cun-cun baru tamat contract 2 tahun O2. Ingatkan boleh la bagi iphone tu kat Pakcik#1, since iphone dia tu dah ketinggalan zaman dan asyik hang je, and aku boleh la upgrade kheennnnn? CIS!! And the photossssssssssssssss!!! Owh tak sanggup nak ingat pasal tu. Gambar menjalang, gambar scandal, gambar penis sendiri dan yang sewaktu dengannya, serta gambar-gambar kenangan berjoli katak tak hingat with friends....di mana kan ku cari ganti uols??

Seriously sentap!!

Moral of the story, jangan bawak handphone masuk tandas ye adik-adik!! *pose berkabung pakai kebaya hitam~

Cerita Sakit Pungkoq Hang!!

For those who don't know, I do get constipation from time to time. Tapi tak le selalu nyah hei. My constipation yang more like berak batu, sebab kena guna key Ziana Zain nyanyi lagu Madah Berhelah zaman tahun 1990 baru keluar taik-taik yang kejam itu, boleh la diibaratkan seperti matahari time spring summer ni. The occurrence boleh dikira dengan jari je, tapi bila datang boleh heatwave you. Begitu la diibaratkan my constipation. Most of the time ok. Tapi bila datang musim constipation, bukan setakat taik, siap dengan darah-darah tersembur keluar you!!!

Ziana Zain masa zaman lepas kerja kilang Sharp

Ok tipu. Takde la tersembur, tapi menitik-nitik ada la. Bila time kesat dengan toilet paper tu, merah menyala macam datang period. Perlu ke I girang? So far yang paling teruk adalah back in 2009. Bukan setakat darah, pus pun ada. Bila pergi jumpa doktor bagi segala sampel taik, doktor kata ok. So, dia just bagi me this ubat to soften the taik and lepas tu terus baik. But the bleeding keep come and go macam biskut chipsmore and I lost count, up to the point that I think that I might have bowel cancer.

I also assumed that I might have haemorrhoid. Ni self-check ok. Nak tahu macam mana nak check? Duduk mencangkung, lepas tu guna pocket mirror and letak celah kangkang untuk check. Kau renung le lubang jubur tu puas-puas. Tengok ada tak anomaly di situ. Setakat ni, belum ada insident-insident jubur ku prolapse. Ish mintak simpang!!!

Selepas incident bercucuran darah keluar, I pun decided to see my GP. Let me tell you something about GP practise kat UK. Kat sini, there is no such thing like walk in to the clinic to see the doctor. You have to make an appointment in advance. Yang celakonya adalah their policy yang tidak bagi appointment on the day you call. The appointment have to be the day after, if you are lucky lah. So, by the time you jumpa doktor, terus hilang segala sakit. Unless it is emergency, you can walk in. Tapi tu pun kena bersoal jawab dengan makcik kaunter reception and you have to convince her that it is emergency. Sebab tu la most of the people, especially set-set paria kat sini selalunya pergi ke A&E even for a slightest sickness seperti tergeliat ibu jari dan sebagainya yang takdak kaitan langsung with accident and emergency.

Sebagai warganegara (KONON LAH!) yang bertanggungjawab, I don't want to add more workload to my colleagues in A&E. So, I pun call lah my GP practice mintak appoinment nak jumpa doctor. Selepas tunggu for good 20 minutes untuk panggilan saya dilayan, the receptionist told me that the next available appointment adalah 4 days after (since I requested after 5pm appointment, aku kan kena kerja!). Sakit hati. Aku kata, takpe lah you can your appointment (and stick it up yer arse <--- ni kata dalam hati jer). Tapi aku tak puas hati. So aku call balik after 2pm. I told the receptionist my problem is kinda emergency (sambil menokok nambah cerita). Nak dijadikan cerita, aku dapat appoinmetn pukul 4.50pm on the very same day. Hah ada la pulak khennnn?

So habis je kerja, macam tak cukup tanah aku lari ala-ala Susanthika Jayasinghe (pelari pecut Sri Lanka) pergi ke GP. Lambat seminit, tapi still kira in time for my appointment. My GP ni perempuan you. A very nice doctor. I told her all the chronologies. Lepas tu dia kata dia nak check my bottom you. Ayarkkkkkkk!! I took off my lower half, lied on my side with my knees to my chest ala-ala fetus position. Maka tanpa kerelaan saya, doktor itu telah memasukkan jari ke dalam lobong bontotku yang sucheeeeee itu!! Haiyoh. I kind of predicted that this going to happen. Nasib baik telah ku tebas segala bulu-bulu yang tak patut dan bersihkan apa yang patut. Kang tak pasal masa tengah check terkeluar coklat, sapa nak jawab nyah?

The doctor told me that there is a minor piles/haemorrhoid and a tear kat bahagian end of rectum tu, which was the source of bleeding. So the doctor prescribed me the cream for haemorrhoid and movicol untuk melembutkan taik yang keras macam batu tu.

Before anyone of you jump to conclusion that I had a haemorrhoid because I did Saiful Bukhari (or Gambit Saifullah), ketahuilah yang haemorrhoid can happen to anyone tanpa mengira the degree of your sexual tabii. Even budak pun boleh kena ok. Sapa-sapa yang sembelit tu, the chances to get haemorrhoid is high. In fact, pakcik #2 had it so bad that he need a surgery. Beside, if I did Saiful Bukhari-ing, bukan ke patutnya lagi senang nak berak? Tak sempat nak duduk, terus semua taik terkeluar. Ye lah, dah asyik kena tujah belakang, tidak ke lubang jubur tu bertukar menjadi smart tunnel? *petirrrrrrrr~

Ubat-ubat yang diberi ni just for short term treatment. As for long term solution, I have to be careful with what I eat. I guess my diet is not that bad. I eat lots of fruit, veggie dan makanan berserat yang lain. But I consumed too much coffee daily. The problem with coffee is, it is diuretic, which mean it makes the kidney to release more water as urine and making the body dehydrated. When the body is dehydrated, the body will send a signal to villus yang berjuta-juta kat usus besar tu untuk absorb more water from your bahan buangan, which make the taik tu menjadi keras kematu. 

Pandainyaaaaa depa eja nama saya ye?

If only I can stop drinking coffee lah!! How am I going to go thorough my day without my coffee dangdut? Owhhhhhhhhhhh!

Tips Untuk Popular (Edisi Malaysia)

1. Muka kena jambu, hensem or lawa. Bakat ala kadar pun takpa. Menyanyi sumbang pun orang tak kisah. Berlakun macam kayu pun orang sanggup bayar nak pi tengok kalau masuk wayang. Janji muka boleh jual.

2. Nama kena vogue, walaupun nama dalam IC kampung habis seperti Rokiah, Zainab atau Samihah. Zaman sekarang orang dah tak guna nama-nama seperti Ramlah, Zaiton Sameon mahupun Ayati Tasrip. Nama macam ni dah out dated. Sekarang nama selagi tak terbelit lidah nak sebut, maka tak cukup glamer la nama tu. Sekarang ni orang guna nama Miera Ilyana, Khilafairy, Neelofa dan banyak lagi.

3. Wardrobe malfunction. Pakai baju seksi-seksi sampai nak terkeluar kuih pau segala, lepas tu tuduh designer yang designed baju seksi. Kalau kantoi gambar tetek tersebar serata internet, kata tu untuk koleksi peribadi. As if la kan? Ada ke orang ambik gambar tetek sendiri untuk tatapan diri sendiri? Nak buat apa?

4. Scandal dengan suami orang, bini orang, mak datin, datuk-datuk and politician, lepas tu buat statement kat paper 'Kami hanya rakan perniagaan'. Perniagaan apa tak tau. Berniaga karipap ke?

5. Bercinta dengan orang lain, kahwin dengan orang lain, buat anak dengan orang lain.

6. Bercinta bagai nak rak. Bila kahwin kompang serata alam. Buat majlis tak nak kalah sampai juta-juta. Tapi after 10 days, dah bercerai berai.

7. Bagi pendapat kat wartawan tanpa buat research terlebih dahulu, especially topik yang berkaitan dengan agama dan isu semasa.

8. Fitnah sesama rakan artis. Tuduh artis ni pakai bomoh, tuduh artis tu pakai susuk.

9. Buat statement bodoh or perang dengan artis lain kat laman social networking. Catfight sesama sendiri.

10. Pergi umrah or haji. Sehari lepas balik umrah or haji, terus pakai skirt and tank top yang nak terkeluar kuih pau. Lagi baik, masa nak pergi tu buat statement nak berubah la, selamat tinggal dunia pondan la...lepas tu, bila balik TETTTTTTT...perangai masih sama. Ah well, they are just a human (kata mereka la).

Tu je yang I dapat pikir sekarang. Kalau nak tambah, sila la tambah!!

Men & Hair

OK, I want to talk about men and their hair. Err there is nothing explicit about it because I am referring to the hair on the top of your head. Not your pubic hair or your arse hair!! *matilah melucah je kerja~

It is very hard to say that we men don't really give a damn about our hair. Walaupun kebanyakannya tak kisah with how their hair looks, there are some men yang kalau nak keluar tu, jenuh siapkan rambut mengalahkan perempuan. 

As for me, I am very particular about how my hair looks. Walaupun takde la style kebaboom mana. I like it short and kemas. Back then, dah macam-macam style I dah buat. Rambut pacak style durian I pernah buat. Rambut style Beckham time world cup Japan / Korea pun I pernah buat. Rambut style Misha Omar pun I pernah buat you (not that intentionally to, but that was what people said), ala yang masa dia rambut pendek tu. Habis melekat nama Misha Omar (or Samihah..kampung betul nama *matilahhhh). Babi betul. Rambut ala-ala jembalang hutan pun pernah. But that was ancient story back in uni lah. After I graduated and did my post grad, I always maintain a short hair like I had now.

Walaupun begitu, the hair might look simple but I NEVER EVER let orang-orang yang tak dikenali potong rambut aku ni. I normally will stick with the same hair stylist. In KL, my hairstylist is Kelly (Derrick & Team, Mid Valley). I have seen her since uni. Until now, bila balik Malaysia, I still go to her for a haircut, or a hair treatment. 

Here in London, my hairstylist is Frol (Toni & Guy, Ealing). The girl at the reception has suggested me to see him when I first came to the saloon. She said he is very good in men hair style. Well, she was not wrong about it. He is indeed very good (and very handsome!!). He is not gay (adakah ini penting?), though I thought he is, first impression. From time to time I get to know him better, up to the point that he introduced me to his girlfriend, his beautiful baby girl and his cute dog.

My friend told me that I must be mad to pay GBP40 just for a haircut, especially when you can get that from around the corner for GBP10. Well it is not just about haircut. The people in the salon are very attentive. When I arrived and waiting for my appointment, they make a cappuccino. I get a head and shoulder massage after they wash my hair. The hairstylist also give you some advice about hair care and how to style your hair. They also consult what is the best haircut for you. They spend a good 30 minutes just to do your hair. You could not ask for more right? I am always satisfied with their service and I think it is worth for the money. Besides, as a regular customer, I get 15% discount for my hair cut and 10% discount for hair product.

After came back from Paris, I am desperately need a hair cut. My dear friend said that my hair dah nampak macam I ni pakai wig on the top of my head. Cilakak lu! It was Sunday, the salon was closed. Frol also not available as he is on holiday. So, short measure for a desperate time, I embraced myself to go to these Syrian boys salon yang offer haircut for a GBP10.

SERIOUS MENYESAL!!!

First, this Abu Lahab yang potong rambut I ni was pissed of on something that I don't know. Probably tak dapat main dengan bini dia la kot. So, when I explained to him what I want, dia buat muka tak berminat as if I ni evil-and-fussy-customer-that-always-give-them-troubles with all my request. Lepas tu kan diorang ni kasar tau. Style mamak potong rambut. Suka hati je dia pergi sekeh kepala aku. Ke kiri, ke kanan, ke depan and so on. Pening mak sekejap nyah! Pastu masa dia nak potong the sideburn, I stopped him right before that menatang buzz buzz (apa ke nama menatang ni in BM and english? Is it electric razor?) potong the sideburn. Sebabnya? Aku tak suka sideburn aku dipotong. Just trim it, bagi nipis. Tak payah nak potong-potong separuh or potong habis. I told him off dan dia macam bengang sebab I did not tell him earlier. Then aku cakap la sorry that aku terlupa to tell him before we started, but since no damage done let's move on lah. 

The result?? My hair looks like ayam togel (and I don't even want to post my picture on here!). So, that is it. NEVER EVER GET A HAIRCUT FROM 10 POUNDS SALON!! It is not even worth a penny. Unless kalau you nak pergi botakkan kepala, silakan!!

I hate my hair so much that I want to slit my wrist (drama kan I ni?)!! I was so upset, so I had to do something to get it away from my mind like worrying about my credit card's bills instead. So, I do what I did best. Shopping!! Westfield tu pulak macam memanggil-manggil suruh I datang. Mentang-mentang la dekat dengan rumah kan? Lain la macam orang Bristol tu ye Kak Mimah (matilah bukan nama sebenar lagi!!). Setiap minggu gi Swindon. Kalau tak Swindon, dia gi Bicester.

To cut the long story short, I bought few stuffs and latest addition for my shoes collection! Owhhhh!!!

Tadaaaaaaaa!!!

This is my first ever penny loafers!

Pakcik #1 kata I have to many shoes, which is true. He suggested that I throw or give away the shoes that I no longer wear for the last 6 months or more to the charity shop. Masalahnya, ada kasut-kasut tu I baru pakai sekali je. Ye lah, macam mana nak pakai selalu kalau asyik hujan ribut je kat sini? Rasa macam sayang pulak. But I must say that my shoes wardrobe tu macam dah nak meletop. Some of my new shoes terpaksa diletak bawah meja study sebab dah terlalu penuh. So, weekend ni kena start spring cleaning. Tapi kan, bila melihat rak kasut kosong, the intention untuk beli more shoes adalah tinggi.

Ish bila la nak insaf ni?!

Mari Bergaduh Dalam Bas

You know, it will took you very long to wind me up. I ni jenis yang penyabar tau (ceh perasan sungguh). Ok tu bohong. Sebenarnya, aku ni jenis yang suka memendam rasa. I hate to show my emotion especially yang amarah la. If I pissed of with something I would rather write it on the blog, meroyan kat FB or koyak kertas-kertas yang tak digunakan. I tell you, it is very therapeutic indeed. I hate to discuss why am I upset.

The bad thing about memendam rasa ni adalah it will blow up at the time yang tak perlu. For example, you marah kat laki you sebab tak provide nafkah yang secukupnya, you pergi marah makcik kaunter pertanyaan yang tak effisien tu. Walaupun takdak kaitan, tapi perbuatan makcik kaunter yang puaka tu telah trigger your accumulated anger, dan secara tiba-tiba kemarahan you memuncak and you just can't contain yourself anymore...and POMMMM!! You pun maki makcik yang kejam tu bertubi-tubi tanpa belas kasihan.

Berbalik kepada cerita yang I nak cerita ni, I have seen so many people bergaduh dalam bas. Sangat gerun ok. Bergaduh mulut ada. Bergaduh bertumbuk tampar pun ada. I've seen girls catfighting dalam bas. Berebut jantan la kot? I boyfriend girlfriend exchanging foul language to each other. There were the time ada satu jantan gagak yang feeling dia tu Puff Daddy dengan selambanya puffing on the bus. Duduk sebelah aku pulak tu. Cilaka sungguh. Takdak sapa pun berani tegur dia you. So, ada seorang uncle yang jugak gagak persis Barrack Obama pergi la kata kat budak ni that you can't smoke on the bus. Lepas tu budak ni pun terus bising satu bas. 'Mind you fucking business old man' and so on. Yang aku ni kecut diam kat sebelah. Bukan apa you. You never know this type of people. They might have pisau or pistol. Jangan berani berani la nak confront dengan diorang ni. Sedangkan orang yang tak kacau diorang pun boleh mati kena tikam, apa tah lagi yang sengaja cari penyakit.

Tapi pakcik Obama tu memang berani. I guess, only set-set diorang je yang berani tegur sesama sendiri. Tidak la pulak budak tu debik pakcik tu. In the end, dia sendiri yang malu di situ dan terus berambus turun dari bas.

Sejak dah nak masuk summer ni with the weather yang panas-panas taik lembu, most of the time I prefer to walk to work. Selain dari menyihatkan badan, ia jugak menyihat hidungku dari bau-bau kepam gagak aprika dan jugak set-set padiyappa yang jenis tak reti mandi or pakai perfume yang boleh buat kau sakit kepala. Padahal you can get deodorant from pound shop just for GBP1. Kedekut sungguh. Beli pewarna kuku boleh la pulak ye?

Kelassss pose sakit kepala!!! *matilah gambar curi kat FB~

Tapi tahu je la typical English weather. Satu hari je cuaca baik. Lepas tu, pissing rains like there is no tomorrow sampai melimpah ruah sungai Thames tu. Not to mention that I have to bring extra shoes dalam bag sebab I pakai kasut buruk time nak gerak gi kerja dalam hujan tu, bila sampai kena la tukar pakai kasut yang vogue sikit kan? To be honest, I don't really mind about raining. I just hate the cold weather. Otherwise I am a OK. Mak I cakap hujan tu rahmat. I must say that sementara ada hujan ni, bersyukur je la. Buatnya Allah tarik nikmat bagi kemarau berbulan-bulan, baru la padan dengan muka kan? *tetibe selingan agama~

Bila dah hujan ni, maka redha je la naik bas yang sure akan padat macam tin sardin. Waiting for the bus in the rain adalah satu benda yang aku tak suka. The potential untuk terkena water splash from lopak air oleh pemandu yang biadap adalah tinggi. Kena tunggu lama satu hal. To us, kalau kena tunggu more than 5 minutes tu kira lama. Walaupun most of the public transport memang punctual, but there were the time yang dia akan jadi sangat tak punctual, including today. Bas ni pun boleh la diibaratkan sebagai jantan (bagi orang perempuan la). Bila kita tak nak, dua tiga ekor datang. Bila kita desperate nak, haram sekor pun takde. Sakit hati sungguh!!

Ni la bas yang aku selalu naik kalau pi kerja. Cantik khennnnn? 

Tunggu punya tunggu, muncul la 3 bus serentak. Ambik kau! Off course la I ambik yang paling depan sekali. Bas takde la penuh sangat, tapi kat bahagian tengah tu dah penuh dengan baby prams. Time-time orang nak gi kerja ni, diorang pun sibuk la nak keluar dengan baby masing-masing. Macam takdak masa lain nak keluar!

Kat bahagian belakang bas tu ada la dua tiga seats kosong. Tapi seat dia jenis yang berhadapan to each other. If you happen terduduk depan gagak gemuk, maka muka dia la kau kena hadap until you reached to your destination.

I pun bergerakkan la pergi ke belakang tu, dan adalah seorang perempuan Maria Mariamah (yang feeling dia tu Missy Elliot with the hoodie and bling bling) ni yang dengan selamba meletakkan kakinya atas seat dihadapannya itu. When she saw me moving forward the that side, dia pun dengan serentak menurunkan kakinya dari seat tu. I tell you, I never like orang yang letak kasut/kaki atas seat depan diorang tu. For me it is inconsiderate. It is even worse dari orang yang letak beg kat seat kosong. 

Entah hantu apa yang merasuk, mulutku yang mungil ini bersuara...

'Great!! After you transferred all the dirts and bacteria from your boots to the seat, now I'm finally allowed to sit!!', kata si sonographer yang vogue.

'What is your problem?', bantah Maria Mariammah.

'Errr.....YOU? This is PUBLIC transport. Which mean it is a PUBLIC property from PUBLIC fund. This is not your bus and you're not the only person who paid the bus fare. I paid the fare too. She over there paid the fare. This lady over here paid the fare too. Stop being so selfish!!' *tak pasal makcik Uganda yang takdak kaitan duduk sebelah I ni terbabit sekali.

'So what? Everyone did that!', kata Maria Mariammah tak nak kalah.

'Just because everyone is doing it, it doesn't mean it is right and you have to do it too. Some people find it is funny to kill other people. So, do you have to kill people too, just because they think it is funny?'.

Terus satu bas tepuk tangan and bagi standing ovation uols!!! I feeling sangat!!

Ok, tu bohong. Pergaduhan mulut tu berhenti setakat tu je. Dia pun macam tak berminat nak sambung, I pun tak berminat nak meroyan lebih-lebih. Kang orang kata I ni gila pulak. 

Bila dah sampai tempat kerja, then I realised that my fly is open. Cis!!! Orang-orang cantik macam aku ni selalu dalam balasan macam ni (sila muntah). 

I hate karma!!!

Sense Of Humour

Hi y'all. Masih ingatkah kalian-kalian di luar sana pada diriku iniewwwww?? Terima kasih sebab masih lagi datang menjenguk blog ni walaupun dah seminggu lebih tak berupdate. Saya yakin anda semua tertunggu-tunggu dengan update saya yang va va voom itu (sila muntah!). I rasa DIVA sangat you!! *matilah feeling~

Anyway, saya dah selamat balik from Paris last week. Saja malas nak kecoh. Low key la konon. Padahal dok kompang serata facebook dan instagram. Sesiapa yang terpedaya dengan statement pergi umrah tu, jangan marah nah. I gurau-gurau je. Kepada yang mendoakan agar I adapat pergi umrah yang betul-betul, AMIN YA RABBAL ALAMIN. Jangan kata umrah, doakan sekali dengan haji. InsyaAllah. Speaking of umrah, Izzu and Am sekarang kat Tanah Suci Mekah mengerjakan umrah. Sama-sama la kita doakan semoga diorang dapat melakukan ibadat umrah dengan sempurna dan selamat pulang. Turn I tak tau lagi bila. Kalau boleh biarlah mak dengan abah pergi dulu. Saya kemudian tak apa.

Gambar untuk tatapan peminat!! *petirrrrrrr~

About Paris pulak, that was my second time to Paris. Mind you, walaupun I duduk kat UK ni dekat je nak pergi negara-negara eropah, tapi tidak la pula rajin nak berjalan sana sini. Sebabnya adalah duit dan masa. Eh mahal ok kalau travel around europe. Those Malaysian yang datang bercuti sakan (with or without AirAsia) must have spent (or earned) a fortune!! Unless you don't mind to couch surfing, maka selamat lah duit-duitmu tu dari membayar harga hotel 2 bintang yang maha azab with the price of Hilton KL Sentral.

And as for me, I don't mind the hotel, asalkan bersih and I don't do sharing bathroom/toilet. So, kirim salam la nak duduk hostel segala ni. Besides, I ni dah dekat-dekat 30. I am too old for that. Unless kalau bilik tu dikongsi with kawan-kawan yang dikenali, that is a whole different story. Anyway, kali ni I bukan nak cerita pasal Paris, sebab too many things to tell about my trip that I decided to just make a short post. Tapi nanti lah ye. Gambar pun I tak transfer to my laptop yet. Ada la dekat 2000 gambar Kali ni I nak cerita pasal sense of homour.

I don't how to categorised my sense of humour. In fact I never find myself funny pun. Some people memang sangat pandai melawak. Kadang-kadang too much sampaikan kau rasa macam nak lempang je laju-laju. I ni pulak kadang-kadang mulut macam teh uncang yang tak payah pakai penapis tu. So my sense of humour most of the time filled with insults and vulgarities. Tapi tengok orang jugak la. If someone have no problem menggunakan my body flaws sebagai bahan nak buat lawak, that person pun kena la mempunyai daya ketahanan yang tinggi if I said mukanya seperti taik burung merpati sebagai counter attack kan? Hish never let people kurang asam with you ye. If he or she can make fun of you, maka dia pun kena la ada kekuatan mental untuk menahan cercaan you balik!!

I must say that most of the time I got caught in the situation where things that supposed to be funny turned out to be not so funny. Banyak sangat especially dengan kawan-kawan. You think they know you well and you know them better, turn out a simple joke can make them turned bitter. Yang tak paham tu, why oh why it is so ok for you to mengata aku, but when it comes to my turn memulangkan paku buah keras (if you know what that means), tiba-tiba nak sentap bijik. Menyampah betul!

Yang omputih-omputih kat sini pun satu hal jugak. I tak paham lah dengan diorang punya sense of humour and joke. There were the time when they said things like 'oh just piss of' or 'you're being an arsehole', and it is a joke to them. But when I did the same and suddenly it turned out to be something that is not nice to say. How the hell that thing happened?

The other day masa tengah makan, one of my friend (yang maknya pun my kawan baik) kata kat I yang makan tak habis ni (sebab food rasa macam whiskas makanan kucing tu!), 'Is that all you eat you skinny bitch?'. I pun reply la, 'Bohoooo. Shut your fat face'. Ok, I know I'm not supposed to say that (nak pulak since tuan punya badan tu memang gems seperti tertelan ibu roti), tapi as I said la kan, both of us bukannya baru kenal sehari dua, so memang dah terbiasa dengan gurau-gurau kasar ni. For someone yang ever so often called me names like slut, tart dan banyak lagi (atas nama bergurau), in fact she once joked and called her mother bitch, I assumed dia akan ok la bila I panggil her fat face, fat cow and so on. Well apparently not. Walaupun semasa kejadian, dia tak kata apa-apa. TAPI, perempuan tu pergi mengadu dekat maknya you and the next thing I know, I get this text from her mother yang berbunyi, 'Sometimes you need to be a little tactful. Telling a lady she looks like she has put on weight isn't the best way to have a conversation'. POMMMMM!!

I pun cakap la kat maknya yang I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feeling and it just slipped out from my mouth (which is true). Lepas tu maknya going on and on about anaknya yang vulnerable and depress segala. So? Just because she is depress, doesn't mean that she have a licence to be horrible to people ye dak??

Kadang-kadang, berdiam tu lebih baik.

Panggilan Umrah

Hadirin hadirat yang dicingtahi sekalian. Sebagaimana yang tertera dekat tajuk, akak (tetibe akak kannn?? Matilahhhh Azwan Ali!) telah mengambil keputusan untuk menunaikan ibadah umrah di......

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PARIS!!!!

Mrasa la pakat-pakat tawaf Eiffel Tower serta bermalam di Versailles. Kalau nak melontar jamrah, boleh pergi Moulin Rouge. Kat situ memang banyak setan, bleyyyy??

Doakan saya selamat pergi dan selamat balik. Semoga saya mendapat umrah mabrur (ada ke perkataan umrah mabrur ni?)

Bon Voyage!!

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Pesakitku Yang Kucingtahi

Dua tiga hari ni kan, ada je la patient yang menyakitkan hati, especially yang Muslim ni lah, up to the point rasa menyampah dengan saudara seagama. Why oh why diorang ni masih tak sedar diri yang diorang ni kat negara kapir? Kenapa la nak demanding sangat?

Patient yang Muslim ni (pregnant lady) selalu demand nak yang perempuan belaka. Doctor perempuan, sonographer perempuan, nurse perempuan, midwife perempuan, phlebotomist perempuan..KAU DAH KENAPA?? I seriously don't know apa masalah diorang ni if lelaki yang buat. Thing is bukannya kami ni saja-saja nak sentuh sana sini or tengok sana sini. We do this job because we care, not because we want to see your vagina. I think there is a fine line between professionalism and membuat dosa dengan menjamu mata melihat aurat perempuan. 

Yesterday, ada one muslim lady ni refused to be examined by me. I actually have no problem whatsoever with that because at the end of the day it is patient's right to see whoever they want, but between our capability lah. I told her that we only have one lady sonographer. The rest semuanya jantan. So I have to reschedule her to come back when there's available slot for her to be seen. But she keep on insisting nak hari ni la la tu jugak. 

Orang kata, kita ni kena la saling bantu membantu sesama manusia tanpa mengira agama, bangsa dan warna kulit. Tapi lebih afdal katanya kalau kita membantu sesama saudara seagama. I am actually happy bila jumpa saudara seagama. At least I know that I am not alone, and I know that if they survive living in this country, that means I can survive too. Some of them are really nice. Bila diorang tahu je yang I ni muslim, terus berMasyaAllah sakan, menggambarkan betapa gumbiranya mereka berjumpa with their fellow Muslim's brother. So, I am more than happy to help them with segala mala yang diperlukan walaupun tak disuruh. Tapi mostly yang I jumpa on regular basis adalah yang berperangai seperti syaitan dan langsung tiada cahaya kebenaran. Dari rasa nak tolong, terus rasa macam nak menyumpah. Gi mampus sama kau!

I told her, I will try to ask Mak Naga, since she is the senior and the only female sonographer kat tempat kerja ku yang lap kaki tu. Mak Naga memang la anti dengan patient-patient yang asyik tak nak dengan male sonographer, up to the point dia kata kat I, "Awat la hang tak mai kerja pakai skirt? Takdak la kita kena berdepan dengan masalah-masalah yang macam isi neraka ni". Hish gila sungguh! Mak Naga kata takda maknanya dia nak ikut kehendak puak-puak Saddam Hussain ni. Reschedule!!

Sebagai seorang pekerja yang taat (serta bakal membuat rampasan kuasa), I pun bagitau la patient yang we have a full patient list (which was true) and it will be difficult for us to just squeeze her in any slot sebab takdak slot yang available pun to begin with. Lagipun perempuan ni dah 20 weeks which means this scan is for detail scan, and for detail scan, we need 30 minutes slot. Kalau setakat nak buat dating scan tu lain la. Sambil tahan cirit birit pun I boleh buat!

Maka patient tu pun bengang lah sebab apa yang dia nak tu tak dituruti. Maka dengan muka yang macam asam kecut tu, dia pun pergi la kat reception desk tu to book new appoinment. I pun ada sekali kat situ untuk mengexpresskan kerja si booking clerk. Tapi disebabkan rasa tak puas hati, dia pun membebel-bebel di situ. Yang booking clerk tu pulak gagak kepulauan Carribean. Hah sesuai sangat la. Dua dua tak nak kalah. Si gagak ni kata, "Puan, ni kan NHS. We didn't choose our patient, and by right you can't choose who you want to see. We already offer you our service, but you refused it. So, if anything happen to your baby and your health, it is not within our responsibility". Sudah, berkelahi pulak kat situ. Yang paling aku sakit hati tu kan, bila si gagak ni mention yang aku ni pun Muslim jugak, si patient ni boleh kata that I as a muslim should have known better pasal halal haram tengok perempuan bukan mahram.

I was offended. Terasa dan terluka you, as if aku ni buta agama la sangat. The last time I check, I did not find a prove yang mengatakan kerja aku ni berdosa. If it berdosa, I leave it to Allah to judge. But I am pretty sure that it is not and I believe that this job is part of ibadah yang InsyaAllah kalau aku buat dengan ikhlas akan ada la bahagian aku tu, walaupun tak banyak sebab ada jugak yang dibuat dengan tak ikhlas, biasa la manusia. Ikut kan mulut ku yang takdak insuran ni nak je aku cakap that it is not me who should know better, it was you who need to go back and read the holy book. But I realised that bergaduh dengan orang buta hati macam ni tidak membawa faedah. Diam tu lebih baik. 

In the end, diorang decide nak buat official complaint. 

Until today, I still don't understand why Muslim in this country (UK) behaved like they behave. Walaupun tak semua, tapi mostly suka je nak demand ikut kehendak yang diorang nak. Ever so often, diorang akan guna religion card demi memastikan apa yang diorang request tu ditunaikan. Tak sedar ke diorang yang UK ni bukan negara Islam? Even if you are kat negara Islam pun, I don't think that you can request macam ni. Ye lah, dah nak mampus pun masih nak request yang bukan-bukan ke? Orang yang pakai purdah segala tu rileks je bila kena periksa dengan aku. Yang tak purdah ni pulak yang banyak cengkadak!

Duduk kat negara kapir ni besar anxietynya. Tak boleh makan sebarang. Nak beribadat susah. Kejutan budaya lagi. Tu pun kat UK ni kira ok la, especially London sebab nak cari makanan halal tak susah, nak beribadat pun tak susah, disamping mempunyai high tolerance antara agama. So tak payah le nak tight up sangat. Mana-mana yang kita boleh let loose, kita let loose. For example, kalau ada leaving do or retirement party, orang putih ni suka pergi beryamseng botol kicap kat bar. So, tak payah la nak tight up sangat kata yang ni maksiat and yada yada yada. Takdenya berdosa kalau setakat masuk bar minum coke or juice. Cukup-cukup la dengan suicidal bomber tu yang membuatkan kita ni semua nampak buruk di mata orang yang bukan Islam ni, kita ni jangan la nak buat perangai that give nuisance kat depa ni. Ketahuilah perbuatan yang macam tu hanya menambahkan rasa benci orang bukan Islam kat kita. Lepas tu pandai la kita tuduh diorang tu Islamphobia. Padahal, kita ni pun perangai serupa ahli nuraka jugak!

Back to this patient, lepas diorang complaint kat PALS, officer yang bertugas tu terus contact the Head of Midwife (HM) yang takde kena mengena langsung. HM yang celaka ni pun telah overruled kitorang dan suruh Mak Naga segera scan patient ni. Disuruhnya Mak Naga reschedule patient dia and scan makcik Saddam Hussain ni. Geramnya aku!! This is another thing yang aku marah. Why this HM has to let the patient to have it their way. Kita kan dah ada segala polisi mak nenek ni, why can't we be firm with our policies? She is just not let the patient have their way, she also make us (kami-kami yang beriya-iya dok explain how things done in our practise) look like a complete idiot and let the patient has the last laugh. Sakit hati betullah!

I am pretty sure lepas ni akan banyak le kes-kes macam ni disebabkan HM yang bingai tu. Apalah gunanya segala polisi mak nenek ni if you tak nak ikut kan?

Nak dijadikan cerita patient yang direschedule tu pulak ada problem with her pregnancy. Dia asalnya appointment tengah hari. Tapi direschedule ke lewat petang. Bila dah lewat petang, means takda la doktor yang akan review patient tu. Maka kecoh la satu unit mengatakan yang semua ni takkan berlaku kalau HM tak overruled tukar patient's appointment sesuka hati. Siap lah dia bila ada audit meeting nanti. Mak Naga kata dia dah bersedia nak counter attack. So, just wait and see..kita tengok siapa yang kena.

Sometime terfikir jugak. If male refused a service from female, he is sexist. Tapi kalau female refused a service from male, that is her right. Equality my arse!!

Time-time macam ni la rasa macam nak pergi kerja pakai purdah!!!