Everything Fade Away...

[Currently listening to: Vanishing by Mariah Carey]

If I could recapture
All of the memories
And bring them to life
Surely I would
Hear the distant laughter
Wasn't it you and me
Surviving the night
You're fading out of my sight
Swiftly

You're vanishing
Drifting away
You're vanishing

I was so enraptured
No sensibility
To open my eyes
I misunderstood
Now you're fading faster
It's suddenly hard to see
You're taking the light
Letting the shadows inside
Swiftly

You're vanishing
Drifting away
You're vanishing

Reaching out into the distance
Searching for spirits of the past
Just a trace of your existence to grasp
And if somehow I could recapture
All of the memories
And bring them to life
Lord knows I would
But now you're fading faster
Getting so hard to see
Taking the light
Letting the darkness inside
Swiftly

You're vanishing
Drifting away
You're vanishing

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[Kisah 1]

Okay, hear this. I just found out that I've misdiagnosed another Tetralogy of Fallot (fetal heart anomaly) as normal for a second time!! What happened to me? I always tell myself to never repeat the same mistake, and oppss..I did it again! Damn it!!

I feel useless...

I feel stupid...

Malu tu jangan cakap la...and at the same time, I feel guilty kerana memberi harapan palsu kepada my patient. How on earth this thing should happen in the first place?? It suppose to be a normal fetal heart!! Why I didn't see the defect?? *sigh

I just wish I can turn back time and change it...

But then again, bila difikir-fikirkan balik, sapa la aku nak tentukan kejadian Tuhan ini kan? Bak kata one of my senior, "semua ni diluar kuasa kita". Though it was a relieve bila fikirkan apa yang dia cakap, tapi itu bukan alasan. I do respect that, it is out of my control. Tapi , deep down I still feel guilty about it.

_________________________________

[Kisah 2]

It has been 2 weeks in a row I didn't speak with him. Ni la period yang paling lama kitorang tak bercakap. Sometimes, I just wish that I can turn back time and fix it.

I just hope evertything will be fine very soon.

___________________________________

[Kisah 3]

Okay, did I ever mentioned to anyone in here about my plan to migrate to London. Bukan sebab cinta agung yer Lee. Hehehe. Though he is one of the reason why I've decided to migrate, but the most important thing adalah mengejar cita-cita aku. Yup, aku adalah diantara berjuta insan yang mempunyai impian untuk bekerja dan belajar di luar negara.

Ada tawaran sambung belajar, tapi masalah kewangan pulak datang. SO, I have to throw my dream away and suck it up dengan sambung belajar kat sini sahaja.

Pastu habis belajar, kerja pulak dengan company gampang siyal lahanat tu. Habis 40 ribu aku bayar untuk break the contract since diorang bayar aku belajar dulu. Keras tangan aku menadah depan D-A-D-D-Y minta bayaran. Akhirnya, selesai la sudah konflik aku dengan company itu, dan aku dengan happynya bekerja kat HUKM. But, hutang tetap hutang. I have to bank-in a thousand ringgit to my dad's account. Kopak aku nyah dibuatnya.

Then, dengan tidak semena-menanya, aku dapat offer bekerja kat oversea. Mula-mula just saja-saja apply. Ye la, aku sedar diri aku ni kat level mana. Nak kerja sekarang ni pun bukannya senang. Pastu, diorang call aku and arrange video call interview. Pastu seminggu lepas tu terus diorang eamil surat tawaran. Gaji pun okay.

After that, ada la jugak halangan-halangan yang mendatang. Registration la, English test la, dan banyak lagi sampaikan sebulan lebih aku kena tunggu Certificate of Sponsorship (CoS) daripada sana. Naik binggung aku menunggu sampaikan aku pernah terfikir that my dream will fade away again.

Sekarang, CoS dah approve beberapa hari lalu. So, my silver lining reappear. My next step adalah proceed with visa application.

Tapi, at the same time, hati pun rasa berat. Entah kenapa...berat nak tinggalkan apa yang aku ada kat sini. Tapi at the same time jugak aku terfikir. If I didn't do it now, when?? Bila lagi aku akan dapat peluang yang sama.

Dan dan jugak la bait-bait lagu Chasing Pavements by Adele ni asyik berbunyik-bunyik jer kat telinga...

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even it will lead nowhere?
Or wouldn't been a waste if I knew my place
Should I leave it there??

Hujan emas di negeri orang....
Orang kata rezeki Allah ni kat mana-mana pun boleh dapat asalkan halal.
Mungkin dah takdir aku ke sana??